I have been avoiding my own blog. A couple people found it during this past little-over-a-year and each time it was mentioned to me, I felt a little embarrassed. What had I written about anyway? I didn’t even remember what I had called it.
I used to have a neat blog on MySpace and I called it “Gulika and the Undulations”. “Gulika” is Arabic for “pearl” and it is a word I had come across when I was trying to pick my belly dancer name. So, even though I never did pick a new name for myself, it made for a very cool blog title. And that blog is officially gone because I officially deleted my MySpace account. I must have been de-cluttering when I did that. But it was an awesome blog and now I kind of miss it.
So, I actually wrote four WordPress blog posts in quick succession last spring just before I quit my job. Probably I thought writing would help me deal with my stress and depression enough to maybe not have to quit a very well-paid job. Too little too late it was.
I did indeed quit. My boss smiled at me when he said he got the letter I had left on his computer keyboard. He said that he put it in his upper left hand drawer where the vacation calendar was kept. He said that was so I could change my mind about quitting and take it back.
I thought, Oh, great, now I will have to decide every single day for the next month whether or not I am really going to quit my well-paid job in a highly toxic workplace.
That smug sonofabitch.
I stewed about it for a couple days. I would NOT take it back, no matter what. And I didn’t want it sitting in that drawer taunting me either. I’ll shred it, I thought. But if I shred it, he won’t see it. He’ll just think I took it back. I’ll cut it up into confetti and leave it on his desk for him to find. Ha! Change my mind? Nah.
So, I took the letter home on Friday night and chopped it up into confetti. It looked unimpressive. I chopped up another piece of paper to add to the confetti baggy. There, that’s better. About a tablespoonful of yellow paper bits. It looked just about right.
Saturday afternoon at work was kind of quiet and I took my baggy of resignation confetti into the boss’s office and decided where the bits would go. I opened a few drawers and poured a little into each one. He’d need a dustbuster to clean it up. Then I poured the rest onto his computer keyboard so he couldn’t miss it. The supervisor saw me at my task and didn’t question me too much. I told him the boss would know what this was about and we left it at that.
Monday morning he came to work and left by lunch time. He never even looked in his office. Hard-worker that he is. Tuesday was my day off. Wednesday I found pure chaos in the office when I came in to work. The boss had flipped out the day before. Everybody was still talking about it. I knew then that my prank had struck a nerve. Ha!
Turns out he didn’t know I was the one who did it until I told him. Since he had never opened my letter of resignation, he didn’t recognize the yellow, lined piece of paper it was written on. He knew the letter was gone and he smiled about that. But he didn’t know I had chopped it up into resignation confetti until I told him. He stopped smiling and told me that was vandalism. He would begin discipline against me and I should call the union and arrange a meeting.
That made me smile. I said, “So, it’s going to be today.” I gathered up my cash drawer, my ID, my time badge, and my keys. I punched out for the last time then went and deposited everything on the boss’s desk. He smiled at me as I left. A friend told me he was not smiling later on when he understood I was really not coming back.
It has been quite a year since the day I walked off that terrible job. This year has been the beginning of real, long-term, deep healing. I still have no idea where I am headed in life. But I have to trust that healing myself will ensure that I am headed in the right direction for maybe the first time in forty years.