Tag Archives: technology

In Defense of Me

I had a little text exchange earlier today.

My sister sent me a picture and two videos of the kitten she is giving me in the fall.  I did not want a new cat as I have three and that is enough.  But my sister cleverly sent a picture first and then asked me if I would like to have a new kitten.  She would pay for all the shots, the spaying, and bring her to me from N. Carolina since they were coming up anyway.  It was a cute cat, and my sister always gets her way, and one of my cats is 19, so how long would I have to wait to be back down to three cats anyway.  So, I said yes.

Now my sister sends regular updates via text, which is considerate, I suppose.

Today I felt compelled to thank her for her efforts which are allowing me to see my kitten grow up even though she is hundreds of miles away.

Instead of responding with a “you’re welcome” she texted back with “You’re welcome to come down and see her and bring her back with you.”

Gahhhhhhh!

Why would I want to drive myself all the way down to Asheville, NC to pick up a cat (that I probably shouldn’t have said yes to) when you’re coming up to New York anyway in September???  In fact, all of this was your idea to begin with.  In fact, about a hundred whyshouldI’s raced through my mind when she responded the way she did.

The safest answer I could come up with was, it wasn’t in the budget to make a big trip this year.

Her answer:  Budget?  It’s a couple of tanks of gas!  We have plenty of room for you.

Gahhhhhhhh!

This convo was exactly like nearly every exchange with my mother.  No matter what I say in answer to any question, large or small, my answer is up for grabs, correction, improvement.  How did these people get so far into my brain?  Why do I have to defend everything all the time????

It’s the boundaries again.  I never learned good boundaries.  Neither did they.  But they are okay with it and I am not.

I can not be okay with poor boundaries.  I will never get better if I don’t firm up the boundaries.

And why am I still thinking about it and turning it over and over in my mind an hour later?

I get so stuck sometimes.

I probably should have sucked it up weeks ago and turned down the kitten even though she is super cute.  But I didn’t and now I am entangled.

My answer that shut down the exchange: I would have to fly.  That’s a hell of a drive and I’m not up to it these days.

She had nothing but an “oh, okay” for that one.

Score!

Such small successes in this journey, but I’ll take it.

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Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decision making, decisions, dysfunction, family, getting along, growth, history, honesty, journey, pressure, progress, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized

“Ripen into Your Authentic Self”

The phrase “ripen into your authentic self” was part of my horoscope from Rob Brezsny this morning and it was one of those aha things that I just love.

I’ve been having a little bit of trouble with a family situation lately.  We haven’t heard from our oldest son in over a year and it is bothersome.  Luckily with the internet I can keep faint tabs on him, but still.  This is the kind of situation that most parents dread and are confounded by.  I am no different.

Fortunately, I found a recent blog post he wrote–the sign of life I’ve been wanting.  The subject matter is one I am quite uncomfortable with personally.  However, it is not a surprising subject.  It is consistent with the kind of person he has always been.  Which makes his absence from our lives quite understandable.  He is being considerate of our feelings as well as being true to himself.

I was pleased to see that he is a fantastic writer.  And a person with integrity.  His interests are not interests I can share, but I can respect them.

I feel very proud of him.  But it is still strange and uncomfortable for me that I cannot just call him and say, awesome blog, tell me more.  I have to give him the kind of space that most parents would be uncomfortable with.  And I miss him.

It’s hard to know what to do with a relationship of this nature.

But the thing we have in common, and that all people have in common, is the desire and need to be our authentic selves.  And for many of us that takes a great deal of time.  Some people never accomplish authenticity.

I had to learn to get out of my own way to even begin ripening into my true and authentic self.  I think my son had to learn the same thing and over a year ago he made his move.

So here is to all of us finding our true, authentic selves and the peace that it can bring.

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Filed under blogging, boundaries, emotional health, family, getting along, growth, healing, honesty, human nature, love, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized, wellness

Now, THIS Bothers Me

After I quit my terrible job last year, we cut back on the things we were able to cut back on. Most of our bills are set in stone, but a few we could do something about.

Our cell phone plan was one of those. We went down to one cell phone and switched to a pre-paid plan. This freed up about $80 a month. Yippee.

So today was the thirteenth time I have gone in to the Verizon store and paid for the next month of service. I hate going there. It is usually chaos. There is a service counter but that is not where you start. You are supposed to log in on one of the laptops at one of three kiosks. Except that they usually don’t work. And usually a representative will snag you if they think you are the next person to wait on. Of course, every customer thinks they are next in “line”. And then, while you have their attention, someone else will interrupt them or they will have to find a tablet to work on and maybe that won’t work, and they ask you for your number and your plan and I never know what the name of my plan is so I tell them what I usually pay and they take my word for it. I guess.

And my own personal distraction in there is I can tell which employees are the slackers and which ones pick up the slack. And the slackers have a much easier shift than the picker-uppers. They only worry about where their take-out lunch is coming from and when they can have it and who is going to get it for them and will they have to pay that person today or not because they forgot to bring cash.

Today, though. Today’s visit was just weird.

I was greeted at the door by an armed guard. Since he was greeting me, at first I thought he was an associate. But he was wearing all black, had on a bullet-proof vest and was carrying a pistol in a holster. No name tag and no Verizon logo. It’s kind of funny that my mind wanted to turn him into a Verizon employee rather than the armed guard that my eyes were seeing.

I was in fact the only customer today, probably because it is raining. So, I got waited on right away. I kept staring at the armed guard trying to get him to compute. He had to be bored. He was very young and very nice-looking. I kept staring at him to make sure I was really seeing what I was seeing.

Finally I asked my associate, “Why is there an armed guard in the store?” He finished typing and said, “Well, there was ‘an incident’ at a store in Rochester so now all the Western New York stores have armed guards.”

Well, that was quite a leap the corporate leaders made, isn’t it? One incident in one store and the only solution they can think of is–armed guards in every store in the district. My suggestion would be to use that money to hire a couple more associates and reorganize the store so it is orderly and people will be more satisfied with the service they receive. Maybe that will cut down on “incidents”.

I’d like to know what the incident was, though. Was it drug-related like everything seems to be now? Was somebody just pissed off? How would shooting a gun in a store be the solution to any of it? I know I would hate to be inside my Verizon store during an incident in which an armed guard would be the one we would turn to for a solution. I’m a redhead. I’d probably be the one they would grab for a hostage.

This bothered me so much I wanted to tell somebody about it. But I don’t know anybody who would think this is as a big a deal as I do. Most of my relatives are strongly pro-NRA. The county I live in is the most conservative county in all of New York state. I’m guessing most people I know would “feel safer” if there were armed guards EVERYWHERE. The others would probably just tune it out. It’s not like there is anything that can be done about it by litte ol’ me and you.

If this is what life turned into while I was busy for twelve years with the terrible job…. it makes me more and more certain that I just need to be doing my own thing away from the mainstream. The mainstream seems to have become just a little insane.

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