Tag Archives: security

Progress? Who knows….

Tonight I learned how to make Christmas cards with two friends of mine and about ten other women at our local library.

While checking out one of the card-making stations set up by the instructor, I recognized a woman carrying a cane who came in along with two other younger women.  She was the mother of one of the girls who, in junior high school, made my life a living hell for several months.

At the end of eighth grade and beginning of ninth grade, I was the main character in one of those two-against-one-best-friends-betray-a-weaker-friend-mean-girls-scenarios that you see portrayed in so many movies, TV shows, commercials and… cold-blooded crime shows.

Of course, since it is my story, there is so much more to it than that.  But for now I’d rather just write about tonight.

When I saw the mother walk in, I quickly assessed if her daughter was with her and I didn’t see her at first.  So I thought, good.

It turned out, however, that I was wrong.  As everyone seated themselves for the class and got comfortable, it turned out that indeed, the “evil one” was going to make Christmas cards, too.

It did not occur to me to leave, so we’ll call that progress.  And I did not have an anxiety attack, also progress.  I did decide to avoid being near her, which meant a certain amount of hyper-vigilance.  I’m not too sure how to grade that one.  Maybe it was just some good, old-fashioned self-care.

If I had never met this person before, and knew nothing about her, I’d be under the impression that she was a nice woman who was close to her mother and enjoyed some of the same things I do.  All that might even be true to a certain extent.  I mean, we were actually friends for a time way back when, so there must be something in common.

At any rate, I do know about her.  I know what she is capable of.  I know what I carry around with me to this day because of her and the other girl involved.

People like her are the reason that people like me leave their hometown and never come back.  I did leave for ten years but circumstances brought me back here and now it looks as if I am here to stay.

I actually had her as a customer once at the Terrible Job.  At the time I had no way to avoid waiting on her.  She seemed nervous and hyper and like she was trying to please me.  And the whole time I’m thinking, “Ha!  Your son is in prison.  You raised a violent criminal!  Why am I not surprised?  Your violence led to a second generation of violence.  Ha!”

I expected to see some sign of this tragedy in her face, but there was nothing there for me to see.  I also wanted to see some sign of sorrow or shame for what she did to me way back when.  But again, there was nothing to see.

No, people like her do not carry their own shame.  They carry no sense of responsibility for the effects of their actions on others.  Instead, they give their shame over to their victims.

Over forty years later and I’m still having to deal with such things.

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Filed under anxiety, art therapy, bullies, decisions, emotional health, enemies, first impressions, friends, growth, healing, history, injustice, peer pressure, progress, scapegoating, self-care, social phobia, Uncategorized

Disappointed Not Entirely Surprised

So the United States of America has just elected the bull in the china shop to be the next president.

I happen to know or be related to a lot of his supporters and some of them are giddy with happiness.  Some of them I know to be miserable, narrow-minded people in need of much healing.  Some of them took their misery out on me during my formative years or even in recent times.  So this election result feels to me like the bullies won as they always do.

There was a huge amount of name-calling during the election campaigns.  As someone who endured a huge-amount of name-calling during my formative years, the name-calling triggered me on a daily basis.  My skin is still not thick enough.  I will never think name-calling is a good idea.  It is very disrespectful in a very basic way.

There was a crazy amount of disinformation–or gas-lighting if you really think about it.  Several weeks ago I spent hours on line trying to debunk a meme about “if Mexico can build a wall on their southern border, why can’t we build one on our southern border with them” blah, blah, blah.

I was able to find the person who created the meme and had posted it to a meme website.  I found several articles explaining that such a wall doesn’t exist because of lack of interest, money and the challenging geography in that part of the world.  And finally I found the source for the photo they had attached to the meme.  They copied it from a website for a company in Kansas City, Missouri that builds fences in the U.S.

After hours of work to find the truth, I realized that if I posted my findings, no one would accept it, believe it, or care.  I would just get jumped on as has happened before in my life.  Sometimes it seems like saying something only makes things worse.

I do recognize the problems with our politics as usual and I also want things to change for the better.  It just seems like we, or they, have gone about it in a very tragic way.

A couple weeks ago I told my husband that if we end up with a president Trump, then I would have to keep a very low-profile, especially online.  A lifetime as a target has finally taught me that much at least.  My twelve years at the Terrible Job has also taught me about the wisdom of staying under the radar.

Before we knew the outcome of the election, I felt positive and strong enough to handle any result (never really believing that internet memes could take the day).  Now that we have fallen down into the rabbit’s hole, I’m feeling a little bit ill.  From the healing work I have already done, I know it will take time to let those feelings run their course until they subside and something else can rise up.

Okay, so there is still a day ahead and a life to live regardless of the state of the world.  Time for me to trip the light fantastic.

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Filed under bullies, getting along, honesty, human nature, PTSD, self-care, social phobia, Uncategorized

Out to Lunch

Today I took myself out to lunch at our local Wendy’s.  It has been three and a half years since the last time I ate there.

Wendy’s was the nearest place for lunch when I was still working at the Terrible Job.  Back then, I went there most days for lunch.  The last few weeks before I quit, I’d sit at my table furiously eating my spicy chicken sandwich and fries and looking at Facebook on my phone.  I mean that I was actually furious.  By the time my lunch break happened, I would have already had a lousy day and it would have been about six hours since last eating anything.  As hungry as I was, I never finished my meal either.  It was during the time period that I was restricting my food intake–sort of an act of aggression but directed at myself.  I’d eat about half my food and then angrily throw away the rest of it and drag myself back to work.

Yes, I was quite a mental mess by then.

Since today is Sunday, I knew I would not run into any former customers or former co-workers.  It would be safe for me to eat there.

Growing up I was of the mindset that I had to go where I likely would be treated badly.  I didn’t really have a policy of avoiding troublesome people.  Well, often enough there was no other option.  I was a kid, I had to go to school.  Going to school involved walking on public streets.  I was just a kid.  What else was I going to do?

Some unhappy kids skipped school, did drugs, got into fights.  Those did not seem like good options for me.

As an adult, I kept up that habit of staying in bad situations.  Often I volunteered for such.  Then came the day when I was at the end of my rope and I decided to go home from the Terrible Job.  I promised myself I would no longer do things that were sure to end in trouble or unhappiness for me.  No longer do I tolerate toxic people or situations.  Sure, it limits where I can go at certain times of the day in this small, crappy town.  But this is my little gift to myself.  I no longer participate in my own victimization.

Today it is Sunday.  I can go to Wendy’s if I want.

I ordered my spicy chicken and fries.  I ate until I was full.  I people-watched.  It felt so normal and safe.  It felt like taking back a little bit of my life, but on my terms.  No self-judgment or self-criticism.  Nobody prying into my personal life.  No having to explain anything to anyone.

It’s really hard to basically start life all over again but not moving away to do it.  Old habits and old distractions and old dangers are everywhere.  I am new, or at least I want to be, and I am surrounded by old.  It has been a very good exercise in letting go and learning how to be detached in a healthy way.

I can do this thing.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decisions, depression, emotional health, enemies, getting along, growth, healing, human nature, peer pressure, progress, PTSD, self-care, self-respect, social phobia, Uncategorized, work

Weeping Willow

One morning last week I let the cat in through the back door and then just leaned against the window panes for a bit and absent-mindedly stared at the autumn all around.

On the west side of our back yard is an old apple tree and the compost pile.  In the center is a little flower bed.  And to the east is a huge old willow tree.  Except on this day it was lying on its side with roots in the air and branches and limbs strewn over ours and our neighbors’ lawns.

I love our trees the same way I love our pets.  Seeing the tree destroyed like that made me want to find a way to set it back up and let it somehow live for a few more years.  Magical thinking.

Later on I went outside and was able to look inside the termite damaged trunk.  There was a cool spray of dust from the roots slowly falling around me while I was in there.  Then I walked around checking out the full  length of our old willow and found dozens of bees freaking out near the ground under some limbs.  I guess their lives got mightily disrupted because of this.

It must have fallen during the night.  Neither my husband nor I heard a thing.  It was a complete surprise.

We’ve lived here for twenty-three years, so there are some memories attached to this willow.  We had a tire swing in it for awhile.  Our cats had chased squirrels up and down it over the years.  Lots of birds nested there, naturally.  One time, my husband set part of it on fire!  By accident, of course. And another time it lost about half its limbs due to a freak October ice storm.  That tree just might have had a more interesting life than I have had so far.

My husband and his friend made quick work of it with their chainsaws the other day and I have checked out the new piles of future bonfire wood a couple times.  It is kind of satisfying to see the orderliness of it.  Plus, we both thought this clean-up would take months (having had experience with only cheap, crappy chainsaws in the past).  Instead it took only a few hours with a couple of new, deluxe chainsaws.

Since the carving up, I haven’t been out there at all.  I’ve been busy and other things have been on my mind.  When I do see the tree from a window every so often, it still surprises me but not with the same twist in my gut as on the first day.

This is the kind of thing my life is about now.  And for the time being, or maybe forever, I prefer it to the tedious grind of being out there in the world of work, side by side with mostly strangers, and letting the external pressures of every single thing in the universe take over my poor brain.

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Filed under anxiety, depression, emotional health, family, grief, growth, healing, love, pressure, self-care, social phobia, Uncategorized, work

Now, THIS Bothers Me

After I quit my terrible job last year, we cut back on the things we were able to cut back on. Most of our bills are set in stone, but a few we could do something about.

Our cell phone plan was one of those. We went down to one cell phone and switched to a pre-paid plan. This freed up about $80 a month. Yippee.

So today was the thirteenth time I have gone in to the Verizon store and paid for the next month of service. I hate going there. It is usually chaos. There is a service counter but that is not where you start. You are supposed to log in on one of the laptops at one of three kiosks. Except that they usually don’t work. And usually a representative will snag you if they think you are the next person to wait on. Of course, every customer thinks they are next in “line”. And then, while you have their attention, someone else will interrupt them or they will have to find a tablet to work on and maybe that won’t work, and they ask you for your number and your plan and I never know what the name of my plan is so I tell them what I usually pay and they take my word for it. I guess.

And my own personal distraction in there is I can tell which employees are the slackers and which ones pick up the slack. And the slackers have a much easier shift than the picker-uppers. They only worry about where their take-out lunch is coming from and when they can have it and who is going to get it for them and will they have to pay that person today or not because they forgot to bring cash.

Today, though. Today’s visit was just weird.

I was greeted at the door by an armed guard. Since he was greeting me, at first I thought he was an associate. But he was wearing all black, had on a bullet-proof vest and was carrying a pistol in a holster. No name tag and no Verizon logo. It’s kind of funny that my mind wanted to turn him into a Verizon employee rather than the armed guard that my eyes were seeing.

I was in fact the only customer today, probably because it is raining. So, I got waited on right away. I kept staring at the armed guard trying to get him to compute. He had to be bored. He was very young and very nice-looking. I kept staring at him to make sure I was really seeing what I was seeing.

Finally I asked my associate, “Why is there an armed guard in the store?” He finished typing and said, “Well, there was ‘an incident’ at a store in Rochester so now all the Western New York stores have armed guards.”

Well, that was quite a leap the corporate leaders made, isn’t it? One incident in one store and the only solution they can think of is–armed guards in every store in the district. My suggestion would be to use that money to hire a couple more associates and reorganize the store so it is orderly and people will be more satisfied with the service they receive. Maybe that will cut down on “incidents”.

I’d like to know what the incident was, though. Was it drug-related like everything seems to be now? Was somebody just pissed off? How would shooting a gun in a store be the solution to any of it? I know I would hate to be inside my Verizon store during an incident in which an armed guard would be the one we would turn to for a solution. I’m a redhead. I’d probably be the one they would grab for a hostage.

This bothered me so much I wanted to tell somebody about it. But I don’t know anybody who would think this is as a big a deal as I do. Most of my relatives are strongly pro-NRA. The county I live in is the most conservative county in all of New York state. I’m guessing most people I know would “feel safer” if there were armed guards EVERYWHERE. The others would probably just tune it out. It’s not like there is anything that can be done about it by litte ol’ me and you.

If this is what life turned into while I was busy for twelve years with the terrible job…. it makes me more and more certain that I just need to be doing my own thing away from the mainstream. The mainstream seems to have become just a little insane.

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