Tag Archives: internet

“Ripen into Your Authentic Self”

The phrase “ripen into your authentic self” was part of my horoscope from Rob Brezsny this morning and it was one of those aha things that I just love.

I’ve been having a little bit of trouble with a family situation lately.  We haven’t heard from our oldest son in over a year and it is bothersome.  Luckily with the internet I can keep faint tabs on him, but still.  This is the kind of situation that most parents dread and are confounded by.  I am no different.

Fortunately, I found a recent blog post he wrote–the sign of life I’ve been wanting.  The subject matter is one I am quite uncomfortable with personally.  However, it is not a surprising subject.  It is consistent with the kind of person he has always been.  Which makes his absence from our lives quite understandable.  He is being considerate of our feelings as well as being true to himself.

I was pleased to see that he is a fantastic writer.  And a person with integrity.  His interests are not interests I can share, but I can respect them.

I feel very proud of him.  But it is still strange and uncomfortable for me that I cannot just call him and say, awesome blog, tell me more.  I have to give him the kind of space that most parents would be uncomfortable with.  And I miss him.

It’s hard to know what to do with a relationship of this nature.

But the thing we have in common, and that all people have in common, is the desire and need to be our authentic selves.  And for many of us that takes a great deal of time.  Some people never accomplish authenticity.

I had to learn to get out of my own way to even begin ripening into my true and authentic self.  I think my son had to learn the same thing and over a year ago he made his move.

So here is to all of us finding our true, authentic selves and the peace that it can bring.

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Filed under blogging, boundaries, emotional health, family, getting along, growth, healing, honesty, human nature, love, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized, wellness

Disappointed Not Entirely Surprised

So the United States of America has just elected the bull in the china shop to be the next president.

I happen to know or be related to a lot of his supporters and some of them are giddy with happiness.  Some of them I know to be miserable, narrow-minded people in need of much healing.  Some of them took their misery out on me during my formative years or even in recent times.  So this election result feels to me like the bullies won as they always do.

There was a huge amount of name-calling during the election campaigns.  As someone who endured a huge-amount of name-calling during my formative years, the name-calling triggered me on a daily basis.  My skin is still not thick enough.  I will never think name-calling is a good idea.  It is very disrespectful in a very basic way.

There was a crazy amount of disinformation–or gas-lighting if you really think about it.  Several weeks ago I spent hours on line trying to debunk a meme about “if Mexico can build a wall on their southern border, why can’t we build one on our southern border with them” blah, blah, blah.

I was able to find the person who created the meme and had posted it to a meme website.  I found several articles explaining that such a wall doesn’t exist because of lack of interest, money and the challenging geography in that part of the world.  And finally I found the source for the photo they had attached to the meme.  They copied it from a website for a company in Kansas City, Missouri that builds fences in the U.S.

After hours of work to find the truth, I realized that if I posted my findings, no one would accept it, believe it, or care.  I would just get jumped on as has happened before in my life.  Sometimes it seems like saying something only makes things worse.

I do recognize the problems with our politics as usual and I also want things to change for the better.  It just seems like we, or they, have gone about it in a very tragic way.

A couple weeks ago I told my husband that if we end up with a president Trump, then I would have to keep a very low-profile, especially online.  A lifetime as a target has finally taught me that much at least.  My twelve years at the Terrible Job has also taught me about the wisdom of staying under the radar.

Before we knew the outcome of the election, I felt positive and strong enough to handle any result (never really believing that internet memes could take the day).  Now that we have fallen down into the rabbit’s hole, I’m feeling a little bit ill.  From the healing work I have already done, I know it will take time to let those feelings run their course until they subside and something else can rise up.

Okay, so there is still a day ahead and a life to live regardless of the state of the world.  Time for me to trip the light fantastic.

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Filed under bullies, getting along, honesty, human nature, PTSD, self-care, social phobia, Uncategorized

Mug Shots

As a school girl, I spent several years avoiding high school biology class because I dreaded the thought of dissecting worms. However, as a college track student, it was pretty much mandatory to have this class on my transcript. So, I ended up taking biology in my senior year with all sophomores as my classmates.

The kids in the sophomore class were much nicer than the kids in my class. Not once in that entire year did I hear anybody get picked on or disrespected in any way, shape, or form in that room. Never did I have to second guess anything that came out of my mouth as being something that could possibly draw negative attention to myself. In spite of the dissection of worms, it was pretty relaxing in there. It made me think that my life would have been quite different and a lot more fun if I had been in their class instead of mine.

The Class of ’81 has a very nice Facebook page, too. All the postings are supportive and polite. They seem to really like each other.

A while back they were trying to compile a list of all the classmates who had died since graduation. One name jumped out at me. Someone said she had been murdered in Florida and it was a cold case. This was shocking in and of itself. But the reason her name jumped out at me was because I remembered she showed up at a party I threw back in 1980.

Party-throwing is a rare activity for me. I do not just throw a party on a whim. Any party that I throw has to have a specific purpose. That way, I can be sure people will actually attend.

This particular party was for a co-worker at the fast food restaurant I was employed at in 1980. Although I was young, nineteen, I was a parent by then and my just-above-the-poverty-line little family was self-supporting. It was a noisy party because I was nervous and had the music turned up so people would have to shout. And because of that, we did get yelled at by our landlord. It was not a drunken brawl, however, and one of the guests brought some homemade chocolate chip cookies.

I know I talked to this girl who showed up at the party but I don’t remember what we talked about. It was so odd that she came. She obviously knew someone who was invited because there would not have been any other way for her to hear about the party. But she was a couple years younger than us and still in high school. My impression of her from school was that she was kind of naive and not super smart. Just an impression based on moments here and there passing her in the hallways.

My impression of her at the party was that she might be a little out of control. She was tall and a little awkward and had very dark hair and eyes. It seemed like she needed to be out and about. Any party, any place, any people would do. Her body language and behavior were fine. I think it was just the fact that a high school girl had gone to a stranger’s party, my silly little party, instead of doing almost anything else, that left me with the impression that she was a little bit desperate.

It turns out that her Florida story is a little less shocking than the word of mouth story on Facebook.

A search on her name turns up at least a dozen mug shots from the same county in Florida. I imagine, then, that she was well-known by the Sheriffs Dept. She looks very skinny in the photos but she has the same eyes that I remember. Eventually, she looks a little ragged and even skinnier. In one mug shot, she has a nearly healed black eye. At one point, she was using the name of an old high school friend as an alias.

There was nothing to indicate she had been a murder victim, though I can see how someone might think that from the way the websites come up in the internet search. No, she was actually the victim of a hit and run accident ten years ago. During a three month period that year in Florida, there was probably close to a hundred hit and run accidents. Only one of them was a John Doe. All the rest were known.

I’ve been thinking about her all day long. If someone had told me that night at the party how her life would end, I would not have been surprised. However, when I learned about it today, I was surprised. I guess because I have lived long enough to have met people who should have met such an end but did not. They are still going strong and causing trouble and will probably live a very long time in spite of it all. I would have thought she’d figure out a way to save herself.

There is an old man in town with the same last name as hers and I wonder if he is her father. I have had dealings with him in the past as have local law enforcement and mental health services. In my dealings with him he seemed to have some kind of mania and/or paranoia. I learned to never look him in the eye, rise to his bait or engage him in any kind of meaningful conversation. If he is her father, then I can guess why she came to my party that night.

I never did use the biology class, not even when I finally went to college. I still haven’t been part of a large group of really nice people. I have not given a party in years.

This summer, I invited a couple people to a bonfire in our backyard. Nobody could come, so we never had the fire. I might try it again this summer. If nobody comes, though, we will have the fire anyway.

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Filed under depression, family, first impressions, friends, grief, work