Holiday season is finally over with! Yay!!
For us, it started with a dead boiler on an 11-degree-day the night before Thanksgiving. It was a very old boiler that had given very little trouble over the years, so it was probably overdue for replacement.
Somehow, though, I had let myself hope that it would kindly last until the next owners of this house could replace it. I let myself think that it would be the one expensive part of this house that we would NOT have to pay for. Wrong!!!
Oh well. The new furnace is tiny and cute and works like a dream, aaaaand since we had just paid off one loan, the finances were kind of seamless. We merely exchanged one recipient of our money for another. Nothing really changed as far as the day-to-day operation of this household.
Once December hit, however, my depression ramped up. Again with the hopes–I thought maybe I was so sleepy because of the stress of the boiler incident. December days are darker and I was busier with extra chores and grandchildren. But the day after Christmas I suddenly perked up and was able to stay awake all day long with no naps. My spirit was lighter and my motivation came back. So, yeah, depression was the culprit for my symptoms.
Christmas hasn’t really been my thing for many decades. But I feel like I have to participate and so I suppress the annoyance and resentment and voila! you have a perfect recipe for depression. That’s good to know, right?
On the healing side of things: for New Year’s Day we ate lunch out and then went to a state park because I wanted to see the rushing river water there.
The river and its waterfall did not disappoint. It was a gorgeous sight. I recorded a few short videos and took a handful of pictures so I could remember, though my phone cannot do it justice.
There is something about a crashing waterfall with its veiled figures of mist rising up and away that calls me. I just like to watch. I have no interest in white water rafting or otherwise actually getting in there. It’s just beautiful to see. It soothes me.
Now we come to today. It is the first day of being back to the normal routine. It feels a little heavy. Now I have no real distractions to prevent me from doing the things I’ve been thinking about for weeks. Yet I’m still wandering around aimlessly and having to force myself to pick something to work on.
It is so easy to fall into anxiety with this life I have chosen. Old habits of worry, high standards, what-will-people-think-itis–all firmly ingrained in my brain. I still have to remember not to do any of that and that it is okay to just be my natural self. I still have to remember who my natural self is because it doesn’t actually feel natural all the time.
I just feel cranky. I think maybe it’s like that crankiness you feel when you’re getting better from a cold or the flu. Maybe crankiness can be a sign of improving mental and emotional health as well.
Cranky or not though, 2018 is done with, and I’m ready for 2019 and whatever it brings.