In Defense of Me

I had a little text exchange earlier today.

My sister sent me a picture and two videos of the kitten she is giving me in the fall.  I did not want a new cat as I have three and that is enough.  But my sister cleverly sent a picture first and then asked me if I would like to have a new kitten.  She would pay for all the shots, the spaying, and bring her to me from N. Carolina since they were coming up anyway.  It was a cute cat, and my sister always gets her way, and one of my cats is 19, so how long would I have to wait to be back down to three cats anyway.  So, I said yes.

Now my sister sends regular updates via text, which is considerate, I suppose.

Today I felt compelled to thank her for her efforts which are allowing me to see my kitten grow up even though she is hundreds of miles away.

Instead of responding with a “you’re welcome” she texted back with “You’re welcome to come down and see her and bring her back with you.”

Gahhhhhhh!

Why would I want to drive myself all the way down to Asheville, NC to pick up a cat (that I probably shouldn’t have said yes to) when you’re coming up to New York anyway in September???  In fact, all of this was your idea to begin with.  In fact, about a hundred whyshouldI’s raced through my mind when she responded the way she did.

The safest answer I could come up with was, it wasn’t in the budget to make a big trip this year.

Her answer:  Budget?  It’s a couple of tanks of gas!  We have plenty of room for you.

Gahhhhhhhh!

This convo was exactly like nearly every exchange with my mother.  No matter what I say in answer to any question, large or small, my answer is up for grabs, correction, improvement.  How did these people get so far into my brain?  Why do I have to defend everything all the time????

It’s the boundaries again.  I never learned good boundaries.  Neither did they.  But they are okay with it and I am not.

I can not be okay with poor boundaries.  I will never get better if I don’t firm up the boundaries.

And why am I still thinking about it and turning it over and over in my mind an hour later?

I get so stuck sometimes.

I probably should have sucked it up weeks ago and turned down the kitten even though she is super cute.  But I didn’t and now I am entangled.

My answer that shut down the exchange: I would have to fly.  That’s a hell of a drive and I’m not up to it these days.

She had nothing but an “oh, okay” for that one.

Score!

Such small successes in this journey, but I’ll take it.

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7 Comments

Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decision making, decisions, dysfunction, family, getting along, growth, history, honesty, journey, pressure, progress, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized

7 responses to “In Defense of Me

  1. Ah, I understand too well how hard it can be to set boundaries with overbearing siblings. A lifelong struggle, perhaps. Good for you for finding a way to put your foot down!

    Like

  2. Why is it so hard to be up front with the people in our lives? Truth shouldn’t hurt anyone. Your spirit thrives on truth in my opinion. You are worth being heard. You alone know what is right for you. Only my thoughts. No one needs to apology for their boundaries. They are there to keep us safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, they are! My other issue, which I didn’t address in this post, is that I hate confrontation, especially with confrontational people. So, I have a lot of work to do in even recognizing my own boundaries before I am comfortable enforcing them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We all have our chlangenges but how wonderful it must feel when we take steps to honor ourselves and who we are. You aren’t so much defying or confronting them as you are honoring yourself. Would you stand up for a child who was being pushed around. If so stand outside your self and protect yourself as a child of yours. Try it and see if it feels right.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. JC

    Good for you! The world is made up of these small successes.You can’t please everyone but you can learn to please yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The only person we have total control of is ourself. We need to learn to be our own avocate and let the chips fall where they may. The other persons reaction is on their shoulders. They can take it or leave it.Once a person releases ownership of the outcome true honesty appears.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am very happy we are becoming friends. I think we can learn much form each other.

    Liked by 1 person

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