This morning I checked in with Facebook as usual and saw that my belly dance troupe is looking for a head count for two upcoming gigs. One is on August 3 and the second is on August 27.
I was instantly triggered. It seems my anxiety over this issue of troupe performances is only increasing rather than healing. I withdrew from a performance on July 30. That one is big and I was never asked for any input–probably because they already suspected what my response would be. “Don’t sign up for it if no one is going to make rehearsals a priority” because that’s how I roll. They signed up for it, got accepted, and sure enough rehearsals are sparsely attended.
Once the troupe was committed to it, I spoke to the teacher about my anxiety and not wanting my entire summer to be ruined with stress, as it was last year, so I wanted to play it by ear and decide my participation closer to the event. I thought that was a good solution. I know the dances, would come to rehearsals, and would fit myself in where needed without disruption. I thought she heard me.
Within days of that conversation a head count was called for and no consideration or acknowledgement of my concerns was part of the request. Since an answer was wanted ASAP, my answer had to be no.
I know my situation has been discussed by others and there seems to be almost zero understanding. Disappointing to be sure.
Today I am thinking my anxiety for this particular situation is mostly due to anger. Anger which I do not know how to process or express in a healthy way. Zero clue. Except maybe for writing about it.
The anger stems from powerlessness. The powerlessness stems from being disregarded, not listened to, or ever agreed with. Not being supported or understood. Saying what I think and being dismissed. Then someone else says the same thing and it’s suddenly a great idea.
There is subtle bullying at rehearsals. Favoritism. And I know enough about many of the people to have an idea that these behaviors come from their own issues and foibles. Nothing personal about it all. Except that it does play out in my life so that part of it is very personal. I suppose I have unwittingly made it personal.
I never really knew I had any power at all. I’ve always been “other” oriented which is basically giving away your power.
I have seen where there were disagreements and other dancers say, Oh, I don’t care, I’m doing what I want. And then they do. And they move on from the issue. Nothing really changes, but no one seems to care all that much. What is it like to live life caring so little? Easy, it must be very easy.
If I weren’t emotionally ill, maybe none of it would effect me so heavily. It would be easier to let go of things. In fact, if I were healthy, maybe I would just try and find another belly dance class to participate in because the reality of it is this: I don’t fit in and I can’t fake it anymore. I mainly stay with this group because of my friend that I choreograph with and a couple other friends who are beginners and just starting to build some “bellydanceconfidence”. Class itself hasn’t been fun for me in a very long time. Nothing is fun when you only do it for other people.
I have not answered the Facebook head count query yet. I guess my answer has to be no again. This is not a group of people who can support me while I heal at least not during performance season. I kind of already knew that but it is still very disappointing.
Life is so completely frustrating with emotional illness in the mix.