The Terrible Job came up in conversation yesterday. I handled it. Pulse good, breathing steady, visualizations under control, rest of day like an average day in the life of someone recovering from clinical depression.
Then this morning I woke up from a dream in which I tried like crazy to get a job back there at the Terrible Place.
It was going to be different this time. A retiree who had been a friend and a former co-worker who had become an enemy both came up to me and said the new boss would re-hire me and give me anything I wanted. I guess they were desperate for my magical skills or something.
The retiree said he would be there because he would also come back to work, and he was already wearing his uniform.
I was right in the middle of crashing a graduate-level photography class. I was in over my head anyway knowledge- and skills-wise. I thought, might as well get my old job back, making a living in the arts isn’t working out.
So I started racing around looking for “Bob”, the guy who wanted to re-hire me.
I kept trying to tell people, I don’t know if this will work. I might have to pay back all the retirement money they refunded me. I was mentally calculating what my paychecks would look like with all the deductions. For example, I’d need new uniforms since I threw out all my old ones.
Bob kept being unavailable. I could see him but he kept having to leave for meetings and such. But I knew it would be okay because he wanted to hire me back. He was a different boss from the old one. He understood what I offered. He must have since he was willing to give me anything I wanted.
What I wanted was to work in an easier office that wouldn’t leave me bone-tired by the end of each day. That wouldn’t overwhelm me with responsibility. That wouldn’t constantly change the Standard Operating Procedures simply for the sake of change or for the sake of someone else’s big, fat, stupid ego. I knew exactly which office I wanted and since nobody else really wanted it, it would be perfect.
I never did connect with Bob. The whole plan slipped through my fingers even though I had a couple allies and every reason to think the scheme would work out.
Ha! How funny is that? In real life none of this is possible. No one wants to hire me back. Certainly not on my own terms! That one is extra funny.
And no matter how many times I turn it over in my mind, there was no saving the situation when I still worked there. The wrong people were in charge then. There were no allies at that time. And I was completely drained of anything that a person needs in order to be successfully employed, let alone have a career on my own terms.
It is really over with and it hurts quite a lot.
It has been over three years now since I left the Terrible Job. I’m still on the mend. I am still not capable of employment. The financial repercussions are huge and unlikely to go away. The emotional repercussions are the hardest part of all of it.
It’s really very hard to accept this. But I have to in order to be healthy and move on.