The Slow Climb

One of my friends posted a job listing on Facebook so I clicked on it out of curiosity.  I had been led to believe that this particular job (with the state) was political and that in this part of the state you need to be a Republican in order to be hired.

I am not a Republican so I always figured that particular job was “out of the question” for me.  I clicked on the link just so I could see if there was a way to tell from the application that you have to be a Republican.  There isn’t anything obviously political about it.  I’m sure they have their ways, though, if they want it to be political.

The application was fairly short.  They mainly want the last five years of job history plus whatever other jobs you have had that would qualify you to work there.  And… have you EVER been fired OR quit a job before you could be fired.

I was fired once when I was 20.  It was quite traumatic at the time.  It was also traumatic having to explain it on subsequent job applications.  I still got the jobs, though.  I even received unemployment benefits after the firing because their investigation showed that my firing was unjust.

That was thirty-four years ago!!  I don’t think about it very much any more.  Maybe if I was “normal”, I wouldn’t have thought about it in years and years and might have even forgotten the whole episode.

Some people would probably chide me for being unhappy about not being normal.  But that has been what I have consistently wanted my whole life!

It’s hard not fitting in.  It’s hard having to invent yourself and your routine… every single hour of every single day.  It’s very hard to attract odd kinds of attention from strangers.  I just don’t think “normal” is all that bad.

I’m not going to fill out the application at this time.  I’m obviously still “triggerable” which means I’m still not out of the depression/anxiety/PTSD woods yet.  I can still picture myself at that job I was fired from.  Still know the names of the people involved.  Still can see the events of the day like it is happening right now.

There is something different, though.  Now I can see how I got into that situation.  I can recognize that a healthy me would not have even worked there to begin with.  A healthy me would not have worked at my last job to begin with either!

The difference now is that I can recognize what a healthy me would be.  That’s a big deal!  It is hard-won knowledge.  It is measurable progress.  I don’t know what it will get me at this stage of the game.  But I’ll take this seemingly small gain.  It actually gives me something to work with.  It might be the difference between “forward” and “stuck”.

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2 Comments

Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decision making, emotional health, getting along, grief, healing, injustice, progress, PTSD, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized, work

2 responses to “The Slow Climb

  1. Gale, you have won half the battle right there! The fact that you can recognize the healthy and unhealthy you and that you are not ready to take on a job is huge! Once I started realizing that I was getting manic or anxious or depressed I could start putting strategies in place to not get into those situations. This is no small gain, it is a victory for sure! But I do agree that it is a slow climb. I am definitely not “fixed” and need to be self-monitoring daily. Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment, Lydia. Yes, I am watching and evaluating myself nearly hourly these days. Still so much to learn about my inner “workings” and how to make changes. I suppose I will always wish I had been able to do all this long ago because it is so very slow. But that is not the way it worked out and I am glad I got started at least. Patience…..

      Liked by 1 person

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