Before I begin this post, I want to say that I am not looking for advice or a solution. This is truly just a sorting-my-thoughts kind of essay. It is still just very hard for me to know what to do when people in my life don’t cooperate and don’t explain things to me. Some of the most important people in my life are so incredibly frustrating for me to relate to. So here goes….
I want us to visit our son in California. It has been three years since we were there. Money is a big issue and is the reason why I decided not to go in 2015.
People ask why he doesn’t come here. Well, he hates it here. And money.
The last visit from him was in 2004 when my father died. I will always appreciate that he came for the funeral when what he really wanted was to visit while my father was still alive. Unfortunately, the end came faster than expected. One day I’m calling him to say, hurry home. And the very next day I’m calling to say, you can take your time, he is gone.
I suppose it is time for me to let go of that guilt. Nobody told me how fast these things can go and I just didn’t know.
We have pretty bad communication with each other. It has always been that way. I can put a really good spin on it. He calls for our birthdays and holidays! Yay! Those calls have been some of our best conversations! Yay! But this year we received no calls for the holidays and he has not returned the calls we made to him. It has been over six months since our last word from him.
Our letters have not been returned so he has not moved someplace new. That damn silence, which I have such a hard time with, is back.
I remember his adolescence was a whole bunch of silence. I would yell at him, “Talk to me!!!!! What is going on????” Of course, that just made it worse.
While I can see the good things in his life, and there are several, I will probably always wish our relationship was simpler and felt more natural.
I am proud of how smart and independent he is. I admire the kind of person he is. But it is nearly impossible to c0nnect.
So, we’ve been trying to work out a visit for 2016. Since he is not responding to our calls and letters, I might have to conclude that he is not up for a visit and also is not up for telling us that.
I suppose it’s nice that he is possibly trying to spare our feelings.
Maybe he has things going on that he doesn’t want to tell us about or burden us with.
It could be anything really.
I feel like such a martyr for even writing about this.
And maybe he will call soon and I will find out I worried for nothing.
This is just way too much maybe.