Monthly Archives: January 2016

The Slow Climb

One of my friends posted a job listing on Facebook so I clicked on it out of curiosity.  I had been led to believe that this particular job (with the state) was political and that in this part of the state you need to be a Republican in order to be hired.

I am not a Republican so I always figured that particular job was “out of the question” for me.  I clicked on the link just so I could see if there was a way to tell from the application that you have to be a Republican.  There isn’t anything obviously political about it.  I’m sure they have their ways, though, if they want it to be political.

The application was fairly short.  They mainly want the last five years of job history plus whatever other jobs you have had that would qualify you to work there.  And… have you EVER been fired OR quit a job before you could be fired.

I was fired once when I was 20.  It was quite traumatic at the time.  It was also traumatic having to explain it on subsequent job applications.  I still got the jobs, though.  I even received unemployment benefits after the firing because their investigation showed that my firing was unjust.

That was thirty-four years ago!!  I don’t think about it very much any more.  Maybe if I was “normal”, I wouldn’t have thought about it in years and years and might have even forgotten the whole episode.

Some people would probably chide me for being unhappy about not being normal.  But that has been what I have consistently wanted my whole life!

It’s hard not fitting in.  It’s hard having to invent yourself and your routine… every single hour of every single day.  It’s very hard to attract odd kinds of attention from strangers.  I just don’t think “normal” is all that bad.

I’m not going to fill out the application at this time.  I’m obviously still “triggerable” which means I’m still not out of the depression/anxiety/PTSD woods yet.  I can still picture myself at that job I was fired from.  Still know the names of the people involved.  Still can see the events of the day like it is happening right now.

There is something different, though.  Now I can see how I got into that situation.  I can recognize that a healthy me would not have even worked there to begin with.  A healthy me would not have worked at my last job to begin with either!

The difference now is that I can recognize what a healthy me would be.  That’s a big deal!  It is hard-won knowledge.  It is measurable progress.  I don’t know what it will get me at this stage of the game.  But I’ll take this seemingly small gain.  It actually gives me something to work with.  It might be the difference between “forward” and “stuck”.

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Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decision making, emotional health, getting along, grief, healing, injustice, progress, PTSD, self-care, self-respect, Uncategorized, work

The Cat’s in the Cradle

Before I begin this post, I want to say that I am not looking for advice or a solution.  This is truly just a sorting-my-thoughts kind of essay.  It is still just very hard for me to know what to do when people in  my life don’t cooperate and don’t explain things to me. Some of the most important people in my life are so incredibly frustrating for me to relate to.  So here goes….

I want us to visit our son in California.  It has been three years since we were there.  Money is a big issue and is the reason why I decided not to go in 2015.

People ask why he doesn’t come here.  Well, he hates it here.  And money.

The last visit from him was in 2004 when my father died.  I will always appreciate that he came for the funeral when what he really wanted was to visit while my father was still alive.  Unfortunately, the end came faster than expected.  One day I’m calling him to say, hurry home.  And the very next day I’m calling to say, you can take your time, he is gone.

I suppose it is time for me to let go of that guilt.  Nobody told me how fast these things can go and I just didn’t know.

We have pretty bad communication with each other.  It has always been that way.  I can put a really good spin on it.  He calls for our birthdays and holidays!  Yay!  Those calls have been some of our best conversations!  Yay!  But this year we received no calls for the holidays and he has not returned the calls we made to him.  It has been over six months since our last word from him.

Our letters have not been returned so he has not moved someplace new.  That damn silence, which I have such a hard time with, is back.

I remember his adolescence was a whole bunch of silence.  I would yell at him, “Talk to me!!!!!  What is going on????”  Of course, that just made it worse.

While I can see the good things in his life, and there are several, I will probably always wish our relationship was simpler and felt more natural.

I am proud of how smart and independent he is.  I admire the kind of person he is.  But it is nearly impossible to c0nnect.

So, we’ve been trying to work out a visit for 2016.  Since he is not responding to our calls and letters, I might have to conclude that he is not up for a visit and also is not up for telling us that.

I suppose it’s nice that he is possibly trying to spare our feelings.

Maybe he has things going on that he doesn’t want to tell us about or burden us with.

It could be anything really.

I feel like such a martyr for even writing about this.

And maybe he will call soon and I will find out I worried for nothing.

This is just way too much maybe.

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Filed under anxiety, boundaries, decision making, depression, dysfunction, family, getting along, human nature, planning, Uncategorized