I Waited Too Long

It’s fall, my favorite season.  This will be my third fall as an unemployed, and for all intents and purposes, retired person.  It’s hard to bring up any particular memories from the other two fall seasons.  I spent so much of my energy that first year or two after the End of the Terrible Job just breathing, walking, eating, and sleeping.  There were other activities for sure.  But my main emphasis was navigation of the basics of sustaining physical life.

I thought that by taking care of the basics I would be allowing for the evolution of my emotional health.  I thought that all my reading and learning would help me to gain skills in the area of balanced and healthy relationships.

I am healing and I am improving my relationships to a certain extent.  But it seems to me that it is not enough and that it will not be enough at this stage of the game to ever become what I might have become.

At the store recently I was leaving as a former co-worker entered.  She looked right at me for a moment and then smoothly turned away so as to not have to speak.  So subtle was the turn away that I might have been able to dismiss it.  Except that this was not the first time I have been snubbed by former co-workers.  This was a person who I had very little of a direct working relationship with and had mostly gotten along with.  Mostly because I always went with her flow.  I went along to get along.

Years ago a customer of hers committed suicide.  It became known because of how he did it and so it made the newspaper.  I knew him also because I had worked with him at a previous job.  I had liked him but knew that he was intense and very held-in.  I was not entirely surprised at how his life ended.  She, however, was completely blind-sided and felt that because she had interacted with him for about three minutes a day for a few years, that she knew him and knew he would NEVER do such a thing.  She tried to explain it as some kind of huge misunderstanding and seemed on some level to believe that it was a murder.  I could not convince her otherwise and finally gave up trying to educate her about depression.

So, this is the person who snubbed me in the grocery store.  No great loss I suppose.

This has happened a few times with different people over the past couple of years.  Others have been polite to me and a couple are still friends.  But the ones who treat me rudely and dismissively are bothersome for some reason.

I have burned bridges, or had them burned for me, all my life.

I think that I never had the sense of worth that I needed to navigate normal life.  Sometimes it didn’t matter.  When I was surrounded by decent people, they allowed me to just be who I am without harsh judgment.  When I was surrounded by toxic people, then my weaknesses became entirely who I was.

There were turning points over the years that slipped through my fingers because I didn’t recognize them as such.  I didn’t even know what the problem was.  Now I do know, but I think, so what now?

Do I blow off all of my relatives because I am so incompatible with them?  No, I don’t, not all of them anyway.

Do I move away to a place where the people are more open-minded so I don’t have to hold back so much?  There are other considerations so, no, I don’t.

I am the responsible one.  I do my duty to the best of my ability.

If I needed to live somewhere else, I needed to have done that decades ago instead of purposely coming back here to slay the demons.  If I needed to blow off the toxic relatives I needed to do that before my sister did it first, which left me as the only one to take care of aging parents.

I wasn’t thinking that way, though, when I was younger and hopeful and full of energy.

I know people who have started over at this stage of the game.  They did so successfully I might add.  They are people who have a happy disposition and who believe in their own worth.  They have each had terrible difficulties in life.  But they have a resilience that I do not have and cannot seem to figure out how to develop.

There are good reasons for me to keep trudging along and I will.  A lot of what I am doing now, working on now, are things that I wish I had known to do when I was a kid or in my twenties or even thirties.  It’s very daunting to be in my fifties and having to re-raise myself almost from scratch.

Onwards anyway!

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, depression, dysfunction, emotional health, family, friends, getting along, healing, human nature, journey, peer pressure, progress

6 responses to “I Waited Too Long

  1. Oh, G, my sweet friend. I wish I could just fly over there and _be_ with you. I wish I had ‘the answer’ for you, and that I could give it to you so you would feel strong right away. I am entering only my second autumn away from the job that was so not right for me, but I am feeling pretty good on the whole. I have had a couple of fixed periods of employment, which has suited me. And I am looking more and more at considering actual ‘retirement’.

    I no longer self-identify as ‘depressed’ (though I certainly have days that head in that direction, and still often feel I have to justify how I’ve spent my day), but have not had a clinician say that I’m ‘cured’. Last appt I had the door was kept open for any return I might want/need to make. The indication was that there were repressed issues. If so, they are still repressed, but I feel functional most of the time and reasonably content. I want to let sleeping dogs lie.

    Have you had any professional counselling? Do you have access? Or is it beyond financial means? You have done SO MUCH on your own. Maybe it’s time to get some help. Because, trust me G., you ARE worthy. You ARE worth whatever it takes to reach the point of _knowing_ your worth. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JC

    Just by writing this post is a big step. You can’t go anywhere unless you ask the questions that only you have answers to.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jennifer Butler Basile

    Like JC, I see your amazing strength in your self-awareness. Whether it’s still developing or not, you already have a strong sense of self-worth by realizing you deserve respect and love. Go, you!

    Like

  4. Oh mine, I recognise myself so much in what you are writing… But these few words: “I went along to get along” struck me like lightning…
    I am entering the big 40 in a few months and only for the past 6 months I have been working on changing “went along to get along”. It is hard, but I am a firm believer that in the end it can be changed for the good of ME. (and as she wrote the last word she immediately felt selfish 🙂 (working on that as well)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, you’re fourteen years ahead of the game! And remember, it’s not being selfish to work on self CARE, it’s just being smart. I truly believed for a long time that I didn’t even have the right to take up space if somebody else wanted that space. Fortunately, I no longer believe that way. But it still does feel funny sometimes to actually live my life each day as if I do matter as much as anyone else does. It will eventually feel natural all the time, though.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s