Monthly Archives: May 2015

Three Good Days

One of my goals is to change from being the kind of person who is externally motivated to being one who is motivated from the inside. I have always been one to respond, to act responsibly, to over-achieve. If your motivation comes from outside yourself, then you’re pretty much a puppet of every single person and circumstance in your life. And if you’re trying to please others all the time then you are doomed to failure. Many people have very, very high standards when it is someone else who is doing whatever it is that needs doing. What an excellent way to burn yourself out.

My life is much quieter now than it ever was before. I have cut out a lot of people, activities, and obligations. I had to get my life down to some very basic activities and relearn to honor my very basic needs. Am I rested? Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Am I warm? Am I cold? Stuff like that.

I’ve been working on this relearning for over two years now and more and more often am seeing some good and real changes.

This week I was pleasantly surprised for three days in a row. Thursday, Friday and Saturday I got up at my usual late hour and noticed that I felt good. I felt strong. I wanted to get dressed for the day, eat and drink a bit and then get some exercise. Exercise!!!! That is huge. I never feel like exercising. I have always instead found an activity that I needed to do anyway and made it extra physical and counted that as exercise. Again with that external motivation. Doing something because I “had” to.

Nope, on these three days I drove myself to a newish park in town that has a quarter mile paved track. I just wanted to go there and do some steady walking. I wasn’t sure how many laps or miles I wanted to do. I’ve walked there before and knew what to expect as far as the facility and how many people might be around. But to actually want to just go and move my body was very cool.

As it turned out, I decided that nine laps would be reasonable. Two and a quarter miles felt good and like a work-out at the same time. I was very impressed with myself that first day. Then the second day, I almost couldn’t wait to get out of the house and do it again. And the third day I felt the same way.

Today, I didn’t feel like going and I know it is because my depression was triggered last night and that led to me having a great deal of trouble getting enough rest. So, instead of forcing myself to go, and probably kind of ruining it for myself, I decided that I need to make sure I get enough rest today and tonight so that I will be ready for exercise come Monday morning. And just typing that out and thinking about it that way has brought back my excitement, and I am once again looking forward to walking my nine laps again tomorrow.

All this time I had been hoping that my healing method would lead to something like this–real growth from the inside out. This feels so different from anything in my life before. I have really gotten lost along the way and been lost for a very long time. Learning to really listen to myself, and respect the answers I am finding, seems to be the ticket.



Filed under anxiety, depression, exercise, healing, journey, motivation, self-care

Silence Means No

Several years ago I was dozing through a televised football game when one of the commentators said, “Well, silence means ‘no.'” I had no idea what they had been talking about that led one of them to say that, but it woke me right up.

Silence means no. How could I have lived this long and not known that??? A former football player knew that! I must say this is probably the first thing I have ever learned from a former football player.

Silence has always been an issue for me. I don’t mean “quiet.” I like the quiet. I mean that silence as an answer or response has always been a problem for me.

When I was a kid, if I said “bye” to someone before they left, I expected to be answered back. If the person failed to answer me, I would feel abandoned.

When I would bring up an important topic to someone and they either didn’t answer at all or changed the subject to one they cared about, I would feel humiliated. This happened to me a lot and still does!

If I liked a boy and they ignored me, I felt rejected.

If I didn’t understand things and couldn’t find out what was going on, I would fill in the answers that made the most sense to me. And I would act on that. Even though it was often just my imagination at work.

There are dozens and dozens of examples from my life I could list but I think this gives a good idea of what I mean.

Lately I have been experimenting with the use of “silence as no” in my own favor. I have always been one to jump in with some kind of answer or response in almost every situation I have found myself in. I have, as a result, taken on way too much responsibility for way too long.

My dance troupe is experiencing “growing pains” and “creative differences” this year. One thing that keeps happening is that some members are kind of slacking off. This leaves just a very few of us who attend nearly every class and can be relied upon. So, naturally, we are being taken for granted. Yes, I am disappointed to have that dynamic rear its ugly head in my dance troupe, my favorite and most special activity. But human nature is everywhere that humans are.

It still feels really odd not to respond to a Facebook post asking, for example, if someone will “take the lead” in arranging a venue, for example, or running the class because the teacher is unable or unavailable. The phrasing of these requests feels directed at me and one or two other dependables.

Sometimes the posts seem manipulative. For example, today the post was, in so many words, “I just heard ‘such and such a venue’ still wants belly dancers.” Someone, not me, asked for the date and time. The answer: “I don’t know, I haven’t heard from anyone in several weeks.” Ummm, so how is it that you just heard they still need us???

At any rate, one of the dependables went ahead and researched the issue and posted what she learned. She “took the lead”!

Maybe it is not the troupe that is experiencing growing pains and creative differences, maybe it is just me. Quite often lately, I am left feeling manipulated and even a bit pushed around. During our most recent class, I felt incredibly pushed around and had no idea why it was happening and what I could do about it. I fumbled through and just did what I thought I was being asked to do but it felt very awkward and I went home as soon as I possibly could and felt very out of sorts. There seems to be many layers uncovering themselves inside of me lately and I don’t know for sure when I am being treated poorly or when I am being triggered. Perhaps both.

I am disappointed that I have not come far enough yet to be able to take such things in stride since there is a good possibility that this is simply a part of a typically messy life. Even so, I am VERY disappointed that these scenarios keep happening. It has reminded me of how things ALWAYS end up for me in my jobs. Since I cannot seem to behave in a way that draws respect from others, I end up withdrawing. It just feels like things get broken when I do that.

Several years ago, I actually took a break from the troupe that lasted several months. My main problem at that time was exhaustion from the terrible job. When I came back, it was okay and I stepped back into my place pretty smoothly.

The other day, when I mentioned to my friend, one of the dependables, that maybe I should step back a bit, she panicked and said, “Oh, no! Don’t do that! I’m depending on you!!!” Oy vey! Not that! I reassured her that I didn’t mean taking a big break, I just meant maybe I need to be less reliable so I don’t get taken for granted.

I wish I had better answers for myself and I wish this process was a little more pleasant. I will continue to work out the possibilities in “silence means no” because it is obvious to me that I have hit upon something important here that I can in fact work with.


Filed under anxiety, boundaries, bullies, decisions, emotional health, friends, human nature, peer pressure, progress