During the last week of February I kept flipping the calendar to March so I could see all the blank dates on it. It was very soothing.
I am still not healed from the ugly and demanding fullness of my days as a worker at the terrible job. The relief of punching out at the end of each day lasted only moments before dread of the coming day took its place.
Every day I had to wake up at a different time. Every day I went home at a different time. None of those times was promised. My schedule could be changed at any moment including the last moment. I couldn’t really count on anything other than being disregarded.
Now the items on the calendar are voluntary for the most part. But even items of my choosing still give me stress. I want absolutely NO OBLIGATIONS WHATSOEVER! That’s really what I want.
For the past several days I have been working out a genealogy project. My mostly blank calendar has allowed me to start a look-up and follow it until I have either found the answer or have found that there is no answer available on this particular website I’m using. I can stop when I’m done rather than when someone or something else whomps on me. What a luxury.
This genealogy is not actually my family. It’s my husband’s family. We are not going to share the information widely because my husband’s family isn’t into things of the past. Especially the tragic parts. One time I had to take down a photo of my father-in-law because he looked too ill and that was considered disturbing. The thing about that photo, though, was it showed my father-in-law with a beard–the first beard he had ever been able to grow in his life. To me, it was a picture of the great story he told about his first beard and not a picture of him dying. But that’s just me.
This family has a very tragic event that occurred in 1965, and we did already know about it, but other than the fact that it exists, this tragedy is not talked about.
How can you heal if you can’t talk about these things? And who am I to decide it should be talked about? Actually, I am nobody when it comes to that. However, I did marry into this family and that probably says something about me and my issues.
It is certainly no accident that I am doing this particular research. It speaks to things that I don’t understand in general. Scrolling through the indexes, there is listing upon listing of community involvement, school performances, family-owned businesses, weddings and other happy days. And then suddenly, “Double Killing in Village”.
I keep thinking, there had to be seeds of this somewhere in the past. This did not happen in a vacuum. I try to read between the lines of the man who said, “I have four children…. they are swell youngsters….” The only thing I have heard those “youngsters” say about him is, “He was a bastard.”
It takes a lot of something out of a person to think about these things. Usually there is just no time for it, not for the people who have really full calendars.
I promised myself a long time ago, that if I ever came to a point in my life that I had the opportunity to figure things out, I would go with it, let myself have that time and not worry too much about accomplishments and have-to. That time did come along and I am just going to go with it until things change back again as I am sure they will.