Best Laid Plans

My car won’t start. Really, really won’t start. It’s been coming for a long time and I have been nursing it along so as to delay the spending of repair money. Delayed spending is one of my new approaches to our significantly reduced household income. It kind of forces us to be thrifty on some level. I think it might actually work long-term. We used to not worry at all about how much a thing cost, and would fix or replace things early just to be “safe” and buy spare thats and thises. Ah, but those days are gone for good now.

When I finally woke up the for the day, I was shocked to see that it was noon exactly. I felt pretty good emotionally. In the morning I have restful and useful dreams that I think might be my mind finally relaxing and releasing pent-up stuff. Healthy sleep in other words. But my usual routine has me feeling that way at around 10:30 or 11:00 am. I still got about 8 hours of sleep altogether last night. It just took longer today to calm down during the mid-morning wakefulness. Bed around 1:30 am, wake around 5:30 am, back to sleep around 8:30 am, then up for the day at noon… yep, close to 8 hours.

To get back to sleep, I did a meditation exercise I learned in yoga and it really worked. You start at the top of your body and concentrate on each body part as it comes along. Top of the head, scalp and muscles, eyes, nose, mouth, lips and teeth, etc. I think I got as far as my torso. My yoga teacher, who I haven’t had a class with in quite some time, says that any amount of yoga you learn stays with you and makes a difference in your life. I think she must be right about that.

During my long awake break, I almost always check out my Facebook. Currently my most interesting Facebook subject is the developing insanity of a former childhood neighbor boy. We were not friends growing up but I knew the family, and sometimes hung out with one of his sisters. His sisters had the most Barbie stuff of anybody in the neighborhood! Quite a draw.

He was always very nerdy and geeky and actually very hard to get along with. Nothing has changed about that except now he believes he is the second coming of Christ. There is a very long story about how this circumstance has come about and it has to do with his involvement with a narcissist and how that eventually led to his being incarcerated for a federal crime. To me the saddest thing about it is how ordinary it is to become the victim of a narcissist and end up having your life nearly destroyed by them. He doesn’t see it that way at all. Not even close. He is now convinced that his narcissist is actually a modern-day Mary Magdelene and he has been sent by God to protect her and her children. He has turned the whole thing into himself as a Prophet and he is now looking for disciples.

Why do I watch this train wreck on Facebook every day? Because in his sharing of the nitty gritty details of his saga, I can see echoes of times in my life when I was convinced of a version of the truth that I eventually, hopefully, came to realize that I was wrong about. It is very humbling and it is also a way into healing because I just can’t ignore the commonalities. If his beliefs make him insane then my own erroneous beliefs…. well, they don’t say a lot for the state of my mental and emotional health.

By the way, I do not “like” or comment on any of his posts any more. I recognize the need for a very firm boundary in this situation. If at some point, he tries to reel me in, I will block him and be done with that chapter.

So, I had a list for today. It was only the second list I had made for myself in quite some time. I was a lifelong list-maker until the time came when it was adding too much pressure to my already out-of-control life. I stopped making lists for years and years. I also stopped balancing the checkbook and doing most anything unrelated to “being at work” and then “resting up and feeding myself in preparation for going back to work”. What a life that was.

Most of today’s list cannot be checked off because I needed a working car to accomplish those things. See how stressful a list can be???

But I won’t give it up completely this time. I will forgive myself for having a broken down car and it being incredibly cold out and me living in the country and just not being able to get into town, etc. My friend will come over her for her fitting instead of me going over there and it will all be good. I will feel proud of myself for letting her know about the change. I will feel proud of myself for getting her project done relatively quickly for once.

I think we’ve got some real healing going on here. It feels weird to be quite honest. But I’ll take it.

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4 Comments

Filed under anxiety, depression, dreams, friends, healing, meditation

4 responses to “Best Laid Plans

  1. I hope you are able to get your car fixed, I don’t drive, but I know how annoying it can be to not have one. Good luck with your list

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My approach to lists these days is that they help me get everything out of my head and in one place. Then I can sort out what’s really a priority or not. And I have gotten REALLY GOOD at not beating myself up for not getting stuff done that’s on the list. … Of course, I still pat myself on the back for everything that I _do_ accomplish. And sometimes, it’s enough that I just know there’s something I can try to work on if I feel bored. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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